Twenty years of bondage; looking for love in all the wrong places. Then the inevitable happened-----I loaded my shotgun.
There is a thread that runs throughout my life of rejection and abandonment. At the time of my birth, my father really wanted a boy. He already hadtwo girls. So, there was rejection even at birth. Somehow, though, I didbecome my dad's "favorite". Then when I was 9 years old, my mother leftmy father. As we were leaving town, my mother had my brother, who was 15months younger, and I get down on the floor of the car. She was afraidthat she would pass my father on the road and he would be suspicious ifhe saw all the children in the car. And he did pass us.
Not too many nights after our arrival at grandmas' house, I had a nightmare. It turned out to be about the same time as when my father blew his headoff with a powerful hunting rifle. We were notified once the neighborsfound my dad and we returned home. At the funeral I didn't and couldn'teven forcemyself to cry. I was just a bit traumatized. What I didn't realizeat thetime was that I would now have a major abandonment issue to dealwith.
My mother remarried. He was a Christian. Even so, he was abusive physically and emotionally. I gave my heart to Jesus at the age of 10 and we wereinchurch every time the doors were open for 4 1/2 years. Our "home" wasa coupletrailers. The children only spent time in the main trailer whenit was timeto eat. Meal times were not pleasant gatherings. My stepdadwanted to controleverything, what we ate, how much we ate, how fast weate it and even theway we held our fork.
In this home, children were to be seen and not heard. I remember oncebeing gagged and put on display so the neighbors could see me, all becauseof something I said. I know it couldn't have been that bad. I really wasa good littlegirl.
When I was in 10th grade, my mother left my stepdad threetimes. After the third time, she got a divorce. We moved a lot. Duringthe ages of 15 to 18 I experienced what is today called date rape about7 times. At 16, I ended up running away and after getting caught, continuedto get in trouble. I fell in love with a young man and then was torn awayfrom him, because my mom needed to leave the state. At that time, I vowedI would never marry.
Soon, I was left with complete strangers for several months. Duringthat time, the experiences I had were horrendous. Once, I was given enoughalcoholic drink to get drunk and another time I was held under the waterand almostdrowned. When my mother finally picked me up, she left me atmy sister's housefor a night. While there my brother-in-law tried to molestme.
Eventually, I quit school, and when I was old enough, took a GED andwent into the Army. I received many awards for my efforts during the 13monthsI was in. That sounds kind of short because I was given a earlydischarge.After about 5 months of training, I arrived at my permanentstation on a buswith a group of women. What I didn't know at the timeis that there were somelesbians sitting on the steps of the WAC detachmentwatching us get off thebus. One of them pointed me out and told the others,"I want that one." Iwas a long way from home and had no real relationshipwith my mother. I justwanted someone, anyone to show me that they reallycared about me. I was seekinglove, andit didn't seem to matter whereit came from.
Then it happened. In a perverted way, I was shown some love. I was actually seduced by one woman and then introduced to the person who had pointedmeout as I exited the bus. She became my lover and in less than a yearwe weredischarged for homosexuality.
We moved to her mother's home in North Carolina and then eventuallymoved to California. After a few months, her mother followed. She movedin withus and soon we thought we should tell her of our lifestyle. Weall sat downat the kitchen table and began to tell her about how we wereliving. As soonas she heard it, she only had this to say: As far as Iam concerned you areboth dead. That was such terrible rejection. Thisrejection drove me deeperinto the lifestyle and kept me from ever sharingthis with anyone else.
At a later date, after a disagreement with my mother's husband, shedisowned me. Well, that destroyed whatever we had left of a relationship.
I continued in the homosexual lifestyle for 20 years. Twenty years ofbondage. When I was 30 my mother died. She just didn't want to live anylonger andstopped taking her insulin.
God was drawing me back during those 20 years. I remember one significant time when I had to go out of town on business. It is one of those tripsyou never forget, for many reasons. As the plane taxied out to the runway,the engines began to overheat. We were next to take off when the decisionwasmade to go back to the terminal. After an hour, we finally took off.As weapproached Houston, the pilot began to speak to the passengers, "Theautomaticlanding gear is not functioning correctly so we will be lockingit into placethe manual way". Oh Great. But, God was even watching outfor me then. Hehad a pilotsitting next to me to reassure me that everythingwould be fine.As soon aswe landed and the pilot could bring the planeto a stop, the engineswere shutoff and we were towed the rest of theway to the terminals. As weslowly wentdown the runway to the terminals,I could see the fire enginesall around;the firemen were suited up andjust waiting for a disaster. Godwas in charge,even then.
While in Houston, I took an employee to the doctor's office. As I waswaiting, I noticed some magazines on the table. One was partially covered,but notcovered enough that I couldn't tell what was on the cover. It wasabout homosexuality and I could see the letters ROM. Somehow I knew thatROM had something todo with a book of the Bible, but I refused to pickup the magazine. Therewere two reasons for not wanting to read that article:1) I didn't want toknowthe truth, and 2) I was afraid that the peoplein the waiting room wouldthinkthat I was one. I was afraid of rejection,even from strangers.
After 20 years in bondage, through some circumstances, I started coming back to the Lord. My lover experienced a couple deaths in her family. This began to change our focus. Then at Easter, we attended her mothers' baptism. After the baptism, my lover watched an Easter program on TV. As soon asthat program was finished she turned to me and said, "We need to get backin church". That is when I found out that she had some church upbringingas a child. So, we started going to church and in our own strength we triedto overcome the bondage we had lived in for so long. That fall, while onvacation, my lover fell back into bondage with an old lover. She movedaway and I was devastated. What I didn't understand at the time is thatI was emotionally dependent on her so her leaving was ripping my emotionsto shreds.
After she left, I was very lonely. I decided to spend all my time seeking the Lord. I attended church regularly, listened to Christian radio, readthe Bible, and watched Christian TV. Eventually I felt God calling me tomoveto the same city where my friend had moved. My friend was not livingwithanyone, so I asked her if we could room together to save money. Thebiggestproblem is that I quit going to church.
However there was a problem that I still didn't understand about ourrelationship. I was still very emotionally dependent on her. After a year,she chose todo something that would once again rip my heart out. She said,"I don't wantyou for a friend anymore". I was totally caught off guard.I asked her whyandshe wouldn't reply. Now, if you know anything aboutemotional bondage,youwillunderstand how devastated I was. Her rejectionwas so devastatingto me.I wentto my bedroom and loaded my shotgun; pointingtoward my headI discoveredthebarrel was too long, or my arm was tooshort. I couldn'treach the trigger.So, I got on my knees instead.
The next Sunday I started going to a large church. I went every timethe doors were open and in 2 months, on a Sunday evening, there was analtar call for total commitment to Jesus. I knew that was my altar call.As I entered the altar area, I was weeping and all of a sudden it feltlike chains just fell off and I was filled with divine peace and joy. Itwas an awesome experience. I was totally yielding my life and future toHim and he was setting me free. That was in 1985.
I submerged myself in the work of God. Prison ministry, street ministry, visitation, and a lot more. In October of that same year, I fell back into sin for a couple months. The Holy Spirit was there convicting me of mysin and I was the most miserable person on earth. My friend gave me a choice: her or God. I repented and chose God.
In a few years I ended up in a downward spiral. Then, after 3 yearsofdeepening depression, I sought professional help. During a visit withmy therapist,I learned of a group at my church called "Set Free". Thisgroup was for women who struggled with homosexual issues. They were lookingfor people who could help. A lot of healing had taken place in my lifewith the help of this Christian therapist and I thought I might be ableto help; so I started going to this group.
Eventually I was asked to be a leader. Then, in 1992, God laid on myheart
the desire to write some lessons to teach during our group times.That same
year, I attended a week long Exodus conference in San Diego.During that
week, God did some major healing and gave more direction forthe
lessons. These lessons, in 1997, became a book which is used duringteaching
times at Set Free on Tuesday nights. God has opened the door tomake thisbook
available in the bookstore at my church and in a local Christianbookstore
outside the church. I also sell them. (See my web page: http://www.choicemall.com/whichway.This
book has helped not only those wanting free from the lifestyle, butit has
helped those who are family and friends of ones who are in bondage.It has
helped them to better understand their loved ones and to know howto respond
to them.
The last 13 years have been very difficult, at times, but God has taken me through a lot of "stuff" to learn to trust Him and prepare me for avision he has given me: To travel to churches and take the message thatyou can be set free from homosexuality. Believe me, sometimes I just don’twant to tell people about my past and the only reason I do is to bringglory to God and to encourage people seeking help and healing.
To the reader: I hope this testimony has helped you in some way to know
the truth and/or find your way back to God.
Back to Exodus resource page:
http://www.messiah.edu/hpages/facstaff/chase/h/