(graphic by Robert de Michiell) Real men can learn to lower their guard
I was on a writing assignment in Cleveland. Stan, back in New York City, was graduating from medical school and his wife and parents were throwing him a big party. Stan and I were friends-in that vast middle range of friendship between casual and close. I faced a choice. To make the bash for Stan I'd have to cut my trip short, which presented problems. Yet I knew he really wanted me to come. In the end I did come back early, in time for the party.
It was a warm, lively affair, mostly family and closer friends. The booze flowed, and so did happy speeches congratulating the new doctor. In the midst of things Stan and I were alone for a few minutes. He started to thank me for having come back early from Cleveland, but in that emotional moment the words didn't come out right. As we stood there I acted on impulse, hugging the guy and kissing him on the cheek. It was meant to convey my feelings of affection for him.
Stan understood perfectly. Appreciatively he said, "You son of a bitch, I wanted to do that, too!" Predictably, after that incident our friendship changed. We'd crossed an invisible boundary. We no longer were in the middle range. Now Stan and I were really close friends -- we still are.
Call this article a celebration of deepening friendships. Generally speaking, that's hardly a topic American men give a lot of thought to. Yes, we have our friends, guys we hang out with, guys we play ball or poker with, guys we may even talk to on a more personal level - but we don't, most of us, think of our male friends in terms of closeness or intimacy. In Seasons of a Man's Life, Yale social scientist Daniel Levinson notes, "As a tentative generalization, we would say that close friendship with a man or woman is rarely experienced by American men." Instead, Dr. Levinson says, "A man may have a wide social network in which he has amiable, 'friendly' relationships with many men and perhaps a few women."
What does the term "close" friendship actually mean? Well, it means an emotionally intimate relationship - and there's the rub. "For many straight men the term 'emotional intimacy' in connection with another man is a red flag," observes Manhattan-based psychotherapist Ellen Mendel. "They immediately make the jump to 'physical intimacy' or homosexual love in their minds. It doesn't occur to them that two men can have a deep, even loving, relationship without there being any connotation of homosexuality. In our society, because of the great fear of homosexuality, men haven't really been encouraged to have close friendships with other men."
Does it matter? Do we lose out when we don't have close male friendships? No question about that. Deep friendship goes beyond two guys enjoying each other, doing things together, swapping stories, arguing about which is the best baseball or football team. When the friendship is deep, the two friends accept each other, don't try to change each other, don't need to wear masks. There's a special understanding between them - each knows what makes the other tick, each can pick up on the other's moods. Says Larry, an acquaintance of mine, about his two closest friends, "Most of the time I can pick up when something's bugging them, even when they don't talk about it - and some times I can even figure out what the problem is before they tell me."
Deep and abiding friendships are, finally, characterized by mutual caring. Each man is concerned about the other's welfare. Each - yes, it needs to be said - to some extent loves the other. It's not physical love, not passionate love. Yet it's definitely a feeling that goes beyond mere liking. Maybe the English romantic poet Byron had the best description of friendship when he wrote that it's "love without wings." Or, as Larry less poetically says, "I'm nowhere near ready to settle down with one woman, and I don't even want to think about that until I'm past thirty. But I don't want to feel, either, that nobody but my folks and my sister really care about me. Having two close friends, guys I trust and rely on, makes my life a lot richer. We don't burden each other - but we can count on each other."
SOMEONE YOU CAN OPEN UP TO
In the closest of friendships both men can say what's on their minds or in their hearts. They can express their deeper feelings to each other. "You do have to allow yourself to be open and vulnerable to talk about your more sensitive feelings and experiences," Mendel says.
What does it take to deepen a friendship? First of all, it takes a willingness to be that open and vulnerable -- to trust. Second, it takes an investment of time, both to get to know the potential close friend better and to build up that trust. Social scientist Janet Lee Barkas, whose doctoral dissertation dealt with friendship, says the whole friendship process - from a "shared situation" to acquaintanceship to the shared desire to become friends to "tried and true" friendship - can take as long as three years.
A third requirement for a deepening friendship is the wish - on the part of both men - to have such a friendship. Obviously, this doesn't have to be spelled out in fiery letters; most males over 10 won't say, "Hey, I'd like to be best friends." But they do convey it in one way or another.
Chuck, a computer analyst, and Ernie, an investment banker, yuppie types who live in upscale Bergen County, New Jersey, illustrate the process. Both are in their mid-twenties and single. In fact, they began seeing each other in a singles bar and when neither found a woman he liked, talking to each other became a habit. Then they started meeting outside the bar - for dinner or to play squash at Chuck's health club. They discovered that both wanted to build a seashore house.
And, about one and a half years after they first met, that's what they did. They both kicked in equal sums of money and built a vacation home complete with hot tub in singles-oriented Southampton, N.Y. The house is big enough so that both Chuck and Ernie can be there at the same time with weekend dates. And, Chuck says, "Our friendship has never been better."
Obviously, this kind of a flowering friendship isn't possible with everyone you know or meet. Either the chemistry is there or it isn't. "Chemistry" is a term usually used in connection with romantic or sexual relationships, but it fits close friendships just as well. Chemistry simply means there's a special (often unspoken) connection between the two people - a shared sensitivity. That's why some friendships can deepen and others stay more casual.
WHY DEEPENING A FRIENDSHIP IS WORTH THE EFFORT
Try this exercise: Make a list of all your friends, from the closest to the most casual. As you go down the list and think about each of these men, you'll probably see that in some cases you just haven't cared enough to try and develop a strong bond with the guy.
And in other cases where you would like to get closer but haven't? You probably haven't felt ready to reach out yet, to convey in one way or another that you'd like having a deeper friendship. (Neither, in all likelihood, has he.) But maybe the reason was inertia - if something takes an effort we often tend to drop it. Or, maybe you were shy about reaching out. And, maybe you thought your would-be close friend wouldn't be interested. Take a good hard look at these reasons. You may find - on reflection - that the gamble of reaching out is worth taking now.
Another friendship killer is wariness. As psychologist Joel D. Block explains in his book, Friendship, males are far more apt to measure each other as competitors than as possible friends. One of the men he interviewed, an appliance salesman put it like this: "My handball matches are played as if my life depended on it. Working on my car with another man at my side is the same thing. If I can't fix something, I'm not going to just say it. This guy's going to think I'm inferior."
A suburban male told Dr. Block, "It's like two dogs sniffing each other out. Is this guy okay? What does he do? How much does he make? What about his athletic ability? How does he deal with women? Is he looking for something from me?"
"Yes, lots of young men ward off deep friendships because of an excessive emphasis on masculinity, which makes them more competitive with other men, and distrustful or envious of them," agrees psychotherapist Theodore Smith, director of the Central Counseling Service in New York City. To have a close friendship, Dr. Smith says, requires letting go of the competitive spirit between them.
Still, reality shouldn't be ignored. It's probably easiest - and safest - for men to be close friends with other men with whom they're not directly competitive. Thus, most men wisely avoid being very good friends with other men trying to get ahead in the same office.
It's self-evident that deepening a friendship requires taking action. Somebody reaches out. The other party welcomes this. Action and receptivity. Take Bill and Chandler, who knew each other casually. Bill liked Chandler and wanted to get to know him better. So he took the initiative by inviting him to parties. Chandler responded positively and also reciprocated. The friendship grew.
Sometimes two men can know each other casually for a long time without really being interested in deepening the friendship. But then, as a result of an unexpected event, they may come to appreciate each other much more.
This is what happened with Dave Watkins, a stage actor and director, and his friend Carl. Dave and Carl had friends in common; that's how they initially met. "We'd all play cards together once a month, and Carl and I worked the night shift in an answering service when we didn't have theatrical jobs," Dave recalls, "but for a year that was about it. Things changed when a few of us helped Carl move."
That move was a comedy of errors. Everything went wrong, from an interfering landlord in the old apartment to a broken elevator in the new one, which meant that the volunteers had to drag Carl's furniture and belongings up six flights of stairs. And what happened? "Carl was so concerned, so apologetic, telling us it was okay to stop, promising us drinks and dinner after the ordeal... it hit me, this was a really likeable guy," Dave says. "And he appreciated the fact that I was taking the whole thing with a sense of humor." They acted on that mutual appreciation, talking more, doing things together, letting their friendship flourish. Now they're so close, Dave says, they anticipate the punch line of a joke at the same time.
PASSING THE FRIENDSHIP TEST
It may be that in many instances friendships between men can't deepen until they've put each other through some kind of test. After all, little boys test each other all the time and maybe that gets generally built into the male psyche. This testing doesn't have to be something that's deliberately set up. Look at Dave and Carl. They went along being nothing more than friends of friends until those "moving day blues" when both passed a kind of test with flying colors.
All of us test ourselves with our male friends and friends-to-be from time to time. You and a fairly new buddy go to a singles bar. You move in on a stunner, and she seems receptive. Does your buddy back off or make it into a duel? Another fairly common testing situation: One guy gets a good job or promotion. Is the other guy really glad - or does he react competitively? The blossoming of the friendship can easily hinge on his reaction.
In his research on male friendships, Dr. Block found that when they're young, many men put "getting ahead" in their careers as their main aim in life. Everything else - especially friendships - takes a lesser place. By and large, the other men they encountered were seen as adversaries, not potential friends.
When they were older and subject to the harsh crises of life, however, those same men wished for the warmth and support that close friendships could have given them. As one man, whose wife was gravely ill, said, "What I felt like doing was calling a buddy, 'Hey, I'm hurting, patch me up!' But I didn't know whom to call."
Many men have discovered - as I certainly have - that now's the time to deepen your friendships. Valuable relationships take time to form. Know a guy who seems on the same wave length you are, somebody with whom you're not really close but who seems like a sharp person? Take a chance. Make a move. Opportunities for close friendships don't come along too often.
Myron Brenton has written extensively on the topic of friendships for MGF
This article was sent to me in the mid-80s as a xerox copy and contains no identifying headers or taglines. If anyone recognizes the source or the author, please let me know so I can credit it properly.
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