Rites of Passage: Keeping Up with the Natives

Reprinted by permission; Ronnie G. Alejandro; Pinoy Guide to the Big Apple

---

Meet The New Yorker

Many conflicts exist between the customary way Filipinos do things, especially with regard to family traditions, and the way things are done by New Yorkers. Take, for instance, the case of family members' decision on whether they should stay together under one roof or not. Unmarried girls tend to be independent and stay in separate apartments, so that after a while, their mother or brother or sister or any other kin who have come to stay with them are compelled by circumstances to move out and go on their own.

This does not mean that the single daughter is detached emotionally or filially from her relatives. It only means that, due to the pressure of life in New York, among other things, living separately makes easier relations even among relatives. The opposite, of course, is true in the Philippines, where clans tend to live as close to each other as possible, to the point of staying within a compound.

A crowded apartment certainly is not conducive to comfortable living and, in Manhattan, space demands so high a price that it becomes practical for brothers and sisters to live apart. Very often, when a relative comes to New York to live with other relatives who are already "established," it is difficult for the newcomer to understand the hosts. The settled one is expected to shelter, protect, and help the new "immigrant." Lucky is the newcomer who has someone to cling to during his or her first days in the Big Apple.

The newcomer would show consideration if he assumes his own responsibilities and adapts to the system of doing things in a fast-paced city, i.e., assist in the household chores. Mutual consideration and a true grasp of the circumstances in the new environs of New York City can make for a continuing, courteous, and gracious accommodation among those who come and those who welcome.

Mi Casa O Su Casa: Hospitality, New York Style

Ask a New Yorker, "My place or yours?", and the reply will be an emphatic "Neither." The excuses given for not inviting people are ad nauseam: lack of space, a cultivated desire for privacy, logistics-one is downtown in Wall Street, the other is uptown at East Side 96th St.

These excuses are protective shields for otherwise friendly people who resist inviting friends home. It is a state of mind that initially dizzies people moving into New York. However, it doesn't take long for the new arrivals to learn that apartments are scarce and rents are high and once they find their niche in their matchbox apartments, gracious entertaining gets removed from their vocabulary. The five-story walk up to one's studio discourages all but the physically fit. The chair is a full-time valet draped with clothes. The kitchen is a darkroom. The final statement: "I'm an open person but my place is not an open house."

For other New Yorkers, space is not the issue. For them, home is a sanctuary, haven, or decompression tank where they guard another scarce commodity-privacy. So they meet friends at restaurants, museums, front stops, clubs, pick-up basketball games, and church. It is neither bizarre nor eccentric to not invite people in. People reveal their identities in the home, only sharing their quarters and mementos with very intimate few.

A Parisian will sip coffee with you in a cafe all day, but he goes home alone or to families. Americans are picking up that European tradition of not bringing people into the home. People assume fewer, narrower, less intimate friendships.

Suitors earn invitations to a woman's home only after many months. It is the exact opposite of their experiences in their hometown, where love blossomed in the den. In New York, privacy is shared only after trust is firmly established. It is a different era, a different way of life. Women refuse, AIDS aside, to be intimate until they know a man better.

Fear of not being able to dislodge visitors is another reason for aloofness, along with aversions to a friend, spouse, children, roommate, or pets.

Then there are the bends-like symptoms when one is invited above 59th St. The prospect of switching trains or hailing a cab is reason enough to turn down a home-cooked meal in favor of a hot pretzel at a neutral corner.

Politics Of Punctuality . . . At Walang Indianan!

Being late for appointments and justifying it with the simple excuse that it is "Filipino Time" is no excuse at all. This practice is tolerated in the 'Philippines and some people allow it. A common saying back home is "Better late than never." Wouldn't it be more proper and right to say, "Better never late"?

People who arrive late want to be noticed. They want to show how much more valuable their time is than yours. Being late for an appointment is an insult, a petty power move pre-ordained with the knowledge that most people can be made to wait up to half an hour before they'll give up on you. (The limit of tolerance, by the way, seems to be 30 - 45 minutes.)

While many business people take the time and trouble to learn a bit of he language, geography, and customs of the countries they visit, few realize the importance of respecting local time etiquette. Being 10 minutes late in Sweden could ruin all prospects for a successful meeting; in Mexico, a delay of 10 minutes is negligible. As a rule, though, you should ever be late when business is concerned no matter where your punctuality is demanded and where it is just appreciated.

The United States is one of the more punctual countries in the world, where it is expected that you will show up on time for a business meeting. follows that Americans are also among the most impatient when kept waiting.

Countries in which you're likely to be kept waiting the longest are Greece, Iran, Venezuela, Peru, and Egypt. To this list, add the rest of Latin America, the Middle East, Portugal, and Spain. In these cultures, while your client's lateness may look like common everyday rudeness, it is often simply another manifestation of the system of kinship ties under which a manager's or employer's first obligation is to his family and friend.

Quick rule of thumb: The closer the conversation distance, the longer you'll be kept waiting. (Americans tend to stand 2-3 feet apart, Latin Americans no more than 12-18 inches. But that's another story.)

The English, who definitely keep their conversational distance, will expect you to be exactly on time; so will executives from Germany, Switzerland, Japan, and Nigeria. Promptness counts not only in Scandinavia, but also in Australia, the rest of Africa, and Asia.

Real apologies are in order if one is more than 10 or 15 minutes late for certain events. In these time-conscious times, when even socializing is serious business, those making a delayed entrance will find the party over or the second course already eaten. Attitudes about time vary among cultures and often between neighboring zip codes, but there does exist a standard, if unspoken, code of time etiquette for almost every situation.

Things you simply cannot be late for:

• A job interview.
• An IRS audit.
• An appointment with a professional who charges by the quarter/minute.
• The dentist who keeps you waiting is within his professional rights to charge you for the amount of time you are late.
• Wedding ceremonies, especially in St. Patrick's Cathedral.
• Dinner parties. Keeping a host or hostess waiting is unacceptable and unforgivable. Excuses about what caused the lateness are considered a bore.
• Court appearances.
• Co-op interviews.
• Anything at Lincoln Center. All latecomers, without exception, must wait in the back for the first break in any performance to be seated. (TV monitors are provided to view ongoing performance.)
• Store bargain sales.
• The Concorde. With total on-time departures averaging 82.3% at JFK (on-time is less than 15 minutes after scheduled departure), the Concorde's 95% on-time departure rate makes it one flight for which you should never be late.
• Dinner reservations. The old saying, "You can call me anything, but don't call me late for dinner," is enforced every night by maitre d's at New York's most popular restaurants (e.g., Le Cirque, The Quilted Giraffe, Le Bernardin). It is common to reserve up to a month in advance for a Saturday night table, which must be confirmed on the appointed day - a practice that discourages abuse.
• Live TV appearances. The show must go on, with or without you, so give yourself plenty of time.
• Appointments with your analyst. Nowhere is the adage "time is money" more apt. Here, you won't be scolded for showing up late - it's your hour, and you pay for the full session whether you're on the couch for 15 or 50 minutes.
• Funerals. Alas, the guest of honor, the deceased, is always on time. Mourners should be, too.
• Invitations to the White House. You should arrive early so as to precede the President into the room.

Things you can be late for:

• Cocktail parties. These events are perfect for the terminally tardy; you can show up late, though you should never stay late.
• Reunions. Only the people who never moved out of town after graduation show up on time. Arrive late, preferably with a tan, a good haircut, a new car, and an attractive mate.
• Auctions. Every sale at Christie's begins promptly but, unlike at the Lincoln Center, the doors stay open throughout the auction.
• Picnics/barbecues. Ever since the decline of the sun dial, punctuality and the outdoors have remained mutually exclusive. Picnics and barbecues almost always start late and run on until the last citronella candle has burned out.
• Anything below 14th St. With the exception of Wall Street, downtown New York's sentiment towards punctuality more closely resembles that of a Latin American country than the remainder of the city. There is definitely a downtown attitude regarding time etiquette, an understanding that things are going to start an hour late.
• Fashion shows. All fashion shows invariably begin 1 -15 minutes late, with some even starting half an hour behind schedule. The delay is usually caused by geography and lateness of models.
• Hair appointments. While salons don't broadcast it, you can be late for your appointments.
• Art openings. One of the last strongholds for lateness is the art gallery exhibition premiere, but be aware that the rules are changing.

You, The Perfect New York House Guest

Never, ever arrive at someone's home unannounced, even if you have to spend two nights in Central Park.

When taking up the offer of a New Yorker you met in the Philippines to stay with him/her, don't be disappointed if there is now the slightest nuance of hesitation in his/her reply. Simply write off the possibility.

If the hosts you have targeted turn you down on the ground that their apartment is too small and there's only one bed, do not say, "I don't mind sleeping on the floor!" They mind!

Never ask to stay with anyone you wouldn't naturally stay with in the Philippines. That grade school classmate of yours now living in New York may not remember you too kindly if he finds out that you'd like to move into his apartment, even if only for a weekend.

If you're accepted as a guest, ask your hosts if there's anything they would like from the Philippines. They will probably choose some small item unobtainable in New York - but this should not count as your total thank-you present. Unless your hosts respond to your offer by ordering a caritela, give them something fairly costly.

Do not overstay your welcome, especially in crowded New York apartments. Benjamin Franklin said, "Fish and visitors stink in three days." House guests upset the normal routine of the host family. Stay scarce when hosts are busy and refrain from scolding your hosts' children. Always bring a gift, no matter how small, if you are invited to socialize - a party, visits to friends or relatives, etc.

BEING A HOUSE GUEST

Even if your hosts are your parents' age, don't treat them as such. Invite them out to dinner once and don't dare ask, "Do you know a cheap restaurant?" Go to a cheap restaurant by yourself. Your hosts deserve better - after all the meals they provide you as their guest! Do not skimp. Remarks like "Is Lutece still the best place?" will go down well.

In New York, be generous not only with your hosts but also with yourself. Many Filipinos, young and old, choose the occasion of their first visit to the Big Apple to be miserly and economical The grandest, most glorious city on earth certainly deserves better treatment.

Even if you are urged to have breakfast with your hosts (better to stay in bed until they leave for work), keep the questions you are burning to ask - how much do you get a week? how much is your rent? etc. - until, yes, you guessed it, never!

Limit the calls you make from your host's telephone to a very few local calls. And never long distance! Use phone booths, whenever possible.

Don't expect your New York friends to tour the city with you: you are on vacation, they are not.

HOW TO ENDEAR YOURSELF AS A HOUSE GUEST

(A Friend's Rules for Stay-In Guests)

1. These rules apply to all guests, including children.
2. Non-smokers are the preferred guests. If you must smoke, open windows, use ashtrays, clean out ashtrays immediately after use, spray room with deodorizer, and leave windows open to air out the place. Do NOT smoke in bed. Any damage to furniture, linens, etc., done by a smoking guest will have to be paid for by that guest.
3. There is no free maid or cleaning service for this apartment. Guests are expected to keep this apartment CLEAN, NEAT, and ORDERLY on a DAILY basis. lf guests are unable to keep this apartment clean and orderly by themselves, they will be charged for having the apartment cleaned - at the rate of $10 per hour. The amount of hours per cleaning will depend on how messy, dirty, etc., this apartment is while occupied. Normally, five hours of paid cleaning per week is sufficient.
4. Guests should clean up after using the kitchen, wash their dirty dishes, throw out their bathroom and kitchen garbage DAILY, and place garbage bag liners in the garbage cans before using them. The refuse or garbage room is located next to the elevator.
5. This apartment does NOT have free telephone service. Every local call and every call to Directory Information or services such as 976- is charged by the phone company. The only free calls are those to 800 area code numbers. Therefore, please refrain from calling 411 or 559-1212. Manhattan phone books, both white and yellow pages, are to be found in/near the kitchen. Please list all your long distance and overseas calls in the book provided, so that you can reimburse the apartment owner either upon your departure or when the bill arrives.
6. Turn off all lights and appliances after each use, when leaving the apartment, or going to bed at night. Make sure faucets and shower are turned off completely when you are finished with them.
7. Incoming guests will find a clean and orderly apartment, with beds made and towels, linens, and some basic food supplies provided. No provisions are made for toiletries and grooming articles, daily newspapers, or meals. Parking is available on the streets at night or weekends and in the garage of the building. A map of the neighborhood showing stores and services in the area and a list of key phone numbers are provided.
8. At the end of your visit, PLEASE: strip your beds and place them in a corner with used towels; throw out the garbage; return items in the apartment to their original locations; make arrangements for cleaning or maid service; make arrangements for payment of your phone calls; and return the keys, per instructions.

Doing As The New Yorker Does

Every New Yorker sets his/her rudeness meter differently. Is it worse to monopolize the theater phone or to assault the offender? Depends on where your sensitivities he - and whether you're first in line. In the name of survival, New Yorkers are remarkably indifferent to sharp elbows, snappish remarks, and rough retorts. Taking the mass transit system (subways/buses) means getting used to grizzled remarks from anyone that could set your blood pumping, not to mention the pain from an occasional trampled foot or the shame suffered in losing the race for an empty seat. One learns to shrug off some of the most routine face-offs (e.g et your umbrella out of my face!" or "It's a free country, lady!"). A 21-year veteran skycap at LaGuardia airport said rudeness is the result of frenzied competition for attention from customers, particularly elderly travelers. "There are a lot of little old ladies and you can't help them all at once. Some of them are so rude they'll actually pull on you."

New York cab drivers are also a measure of rudeness. When you tell them you are late, they'll answer, "Did you ever think vou might not be worth waiting for?" or "I will fly for you, my darling."

When you tell them not to drive recklessly, "This is not recklessness! This is skill!" or "Why didn't you get a limo, lady?"

Good manners and pleasantness on your part sometimes affect the other party positively. Don't take their rudeness personally: they have their own problems. A sense of humor can help you survive in NY.

• Because no one can be superior to a New Yorker, a New Yorker does not feel superior to other New Yorkers.
• A New Yorker is a very forward person, always ready to interact in some fashion or another with anyone. (That is why everyone in New York is so friendly; that is why everyone is so cranky.)
• A New Yorker has a strong sense of adventure. (There is nothing and everything to fear in New York. An adventurous person in New York has less to fear than a timid one.)
• Common sense must balance a New Yorker's sense of adventure. (New Yorkers are always willing to share their common sense with other New Yorkers. But in the absence of common sense, the police will do.)
• A New Yorker makes the most of adversity. (Teeming crowds inspire New Yorkers to awe and pride in their ability to survive among the impossible number of people. Power blackouts, confinement in stalled subway cars, and Statue of Liberty anniversaries not only promote a feeling of brother - and sisterhood but also make good stories for dinner parties and telephone conversations.)
• A New Yorker has an unusual take on the law. Jaywalking, defacing buildings and vehicles with graffiti, throwing garbage into rivers, pasting posters on pristine walls and sleeping on sidewalks, while illegal, are tolerated and, in some cases, approved of by New Yorkers. Cutting into a line, taking a cab from someone who hailed it first, stealing a parking place, and unfolding a newspaper on a crowded subway or bus, while not legal, are grounds for vigilantism.
• A New Yorker, knowing he can buy anything he wants from anyone he wishes, will not be intimidated by condescending salespeople. He knows he cannot be kicked out of a ritzy shop on Madison Ave. for not looking hip enough.
• A New Yorker spends a lot of time on the street feeling the pulse of life in the city, but under no circumstances whatsoever is he drawn into a game of three-card monte.
• To a New Yorker, the whole city is his living room. He goes home to his matchbox apartment - his bedroom - only to sleep.
• Fortune-tellers in New York lie in an unconvincing way for $5 or $10.
• A New Yorker's night life begins at 11:30 p.m. but one who just wants to take a look at a new club will arrive early and miss out on the irritation of having to be selected for entry by a doorman.
• A New Yorker is the only person in the world to whom an out-of towner may say with neither fear of insult nor expectation of a hostile reply, "How can you possibly live here?"

• A New Yorker is "uptown" when he is somewhere north of 59th St.
• A New Yorker is "downtown" when he is south of 14th St.
• A New Yorker who is in "midtown" is somewhere between 59th St. on the north, 34th St. on the south, Broadway on the west, and First Ave. On the east.
• To a New Yorker, "crosstown" is a direction rather than an area and indicates movement in neither uptown nor downtown direction. (Broadway is a street that goes crosstown, uptown, and downtown.)
• A New Yorker always calls the Avenue of the Americas by its real name - Sixth Ave.
• Fifth Ave. divides the East Side from the West Side of Manhattan. (The upper East Side is above 59th St. The Lower East Side is below Houston St. The Upper West Side is above Lincoln Center, which is located at 64th St. and Broadway. There is no Lower West Side.)
• Greenwich Village is a complicated affair in the general area of what might have been called the Lower West Side (one might want to get a map). On the other hand, one might want to simply set out on foot; it is fun to get lost in Greenwich Village, which a New Yorker calls "the Village."
• SoHo, where art is sometimes confused with boutique, is south of Houston, north of Canal, east of Sixth Ave., and west of the Bowery (more or less).
• TriBeCa, where art moved when boutiques arrived in SoHo, is an acronym for the Triangle Below Canal St. (Few New Yorkers know exactly what area this designates.)
• Central Park begins at 59th St. and ends at 110th, is bordered on the west by Central Park West and on the east by Fifth Ave. (A New Yorker goes to Central Park regularly-but not after dark. When he goes to the park on Sunday, he sees everyone he knows.)

• Everyone in New York is in a hurry. (New Yorkers never have enough time to do all that needs to be done.)
• Appointments with harried New Yorkers must be made well in advance. (Appointments made too far in advance do not allow New Yorkers to say they are too busy to see you. This is a time-honored and useful excuse and should be respected.)
• A New Yorker always has time to read. (New Yorkers read a lot while they stand on lines. New Yorkers stand on lines rather than in lines because of their innate sense of superiority. New Yorkers spend a lot of time reading on subway trains and buses.)
• By cab, subway, bus, limousine or stolen car, a New Yorker allows 45 minutes to get from one place to another. (Distance is immaterial.)
• A New Yorker feels a definite sense of control over time while walking. (It takes one minute to walk one uptown/downtown block. It takes five minutes to walk one crosstown block.)

• Traffic lights in New York are incidental to the actual flow of motor vehicles, pedestrians, and bicycles. (A New Yorker ignores lights and watches the traffic itself.)
• New York pedestrians do not like cars. (Cars try to turn corners when a pedestrian has a "WALK" light.)
• New York cars do not like pedestrians. (Pedestrians ignore "DON'T WALK" signs, which theoretically allow cars to turn corners.)
• New York bicycles do not like cars and pedestrians. (Cars and pedestrians occupy the street, which are meant for bicycles.)
• Cars and pedestrians do not like bicycles. (Bicycles run over pedestrians' toes. Bicycles zoom between cars and dare to be run over. Bicycles have more fun than cars or pedestrians.)
• A New York pedestrian walks very fast and owns whatever sidewalk he/she occupies for the moment. (Slowing down on a crowded sidewalk is annoying to other sidewalk owners; momentum is all. Turning on a crowded sidewalk is dangerous but can be done by negotiating diagonals among oncoming owners of the sidewalk. Stopping in the middle of the sidewalk can be fatal.)
• A New Yorker always carries a lot of coins, especially quarters, for buses and phones. (Cashiers in New York do not give change to just anybody. New Yorkers get change by asking strangers on buses or by buying things.)
• Umbrellas are very easy to come by from street vendors on every corner in midtown Manhattan, so knowledgeable New Yorkers try to be in midtown when it rains.

• Liquor and wine are sold in liquor stores, but beer is sold in delicatessens. (Delicatessens are called "delis" by New Yorkers.)
• Cigarettes are not sold in liquor stores, but at delis and newsstands.
• New York has four major newspapers: the Post is consulted for its headlines, the Daily News for its pictures, Newsday for both, and the New York Times for its crossword puzzle and Saturday news quiz. (New Yorkers never take the top newspaper from a stack because the top paper is usually torn. If the top paper is not torn, then something else is probably wrong with it. A New Yorker checks for every section, especially on Sunday.)
• New York food comes with a lot of rules. Coffee, though not really food, is governed by the strictest rules. There is no such thing as "coffee+" to a New Yorker, but rather "regular coffee" to which has been added just the right amount of milk. Variations on New York coffee include "light," "extra light," "sort of light," "black," "dark," "extra dark," and "just a little tiny bit darker than regular, please."
• Hamburgers and cheeseburgers in New York consist of bread, meat and, when appropriate, cheese. Tomatoes and lettuce have to be ordered separately and sometimes cost too much to consider. Mayonnaise is thought to be wimpy. Real New Yorkers don't care if someone thinks they are wimpy for putting mayonnaise on a hamburger.
• A New York bagel comes with either a thin "schmear" or the entire contents of a package of cream cheese. An abbreviated order for a poppy-seed bagel with a safe amount of cream cheese will sound something like "Poppy-wid-a-schmeah!"
• To calculate a waiter's tip after acceptable service, a New Yorker doubles the 8.25% tax on the bill.
• Non-essential goods and services supplied by New York street vendors include Statue of Liberty crowns made of green sponge, plastic bird calls, and realistic-looking battery-operated hands that are severed at the wrist and stand on the sidewalk in a fingers-up position, groping at the air.

• Eating or drinking out in the Philippines, the one who invites pays. In America, they may invite you for drinks in a place, but you should pay for yourself! If the invite goes like, "I'll take you for drinks," then offer to pay for the tip. In these economically troubled times, going out in groups and ordering do not pose problems anymore. When paying, remember what you ordered and give your share properly, or tell the waiter in advance that you wish to be billed separately.
• A New Yorker without a shopping bag, carryall, or tote of some kind might easily be mistaken for a foreigner. However, residents of elegant buildings in Manhattan's Fifth, Park, or Madison Aves., who are socially insecure, usually have their drivers carry the bags and boxes in through the service entrance of the buildings. They do occasionally carry designer totes or bags from Tiffany's, Cartier, Saks, Bergdorf's, and Bendel. More often, though, Woolworth, Lamston, or Duane Reade bags are usually in the hands of people who own the biggest apartments and look as though they couldn't afford taxi fare.
• Don't dare pick up flowers from the nearest vegetable market and carry them home in a dripping paper cone. The New Yorkers' world is flower arrangements, unless garden flowers and the natural look are currently fashionable, or unless it's Sunday night when flowers from the corner grocer can be passed off as posies from a country weekend.
• When a compliment is made on something you own or wear, acknowledge it with a simple response: "Thank you, I'm so glad you like it" or "We're very happy with it." To a compliment on how you look: "How nice of you to say so," or "Thank you, I feel great."

Back to PNB New York's Homepage