"I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job"
- George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign

"This is a great day for France!"
- Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral

"Now, like, I'm President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know? ... I bet if they did, I hope I would say, 'Hey, get lost. We don't want any of that.'"
- George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students

"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex ... uh... setbacks."
- George Bush

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change."
- Dan Quayle

"Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here."
- Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind--or not to have a mind. How true that is."
- Dan Quayle addressing the United Negro College Fund

"I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore-that is Maryland."
- William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address

"The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at."
- George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline

"I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is what drives me."
- George Bush

"If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that we're in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we've got to do something about the unemployed."
- Ronald Reagan

"My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes."
- Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
- Dan Quayle

"Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we're going to succeed."
- Ronald Reagan

Walter Mondale: "George Bush doesn't have the manhood to apologize."
Bush: "Well, on the manhood thing, I'll put mine up against his any time."

"I'm not against the blacks and a lot of the good blacks will attest to that."
- Evan Mecham, then governor of Arizona

"Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has been exposing himself to the people of the United States."
- Frank Licht, then governor of Rhode Island, campaigning for McGovern in 1972

"Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres!"
- Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer

"I want you to take your balls in your hand and bounce them on the floor and then throw them as high as you can. Now, have you all got your balls in your hands?"
- announcer of children's radio show "Life With Mother" to her audience

"They X-Rayed my head and found nothing."
- Jerome "Dizzy" Dean

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this century's history.... We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
- Dan Quayle

WHY? WHY? WHY?
Why is "brassiere" singular while "panties" are plural?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are their floatation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it when you transport something by car, its called a "ship-ment" but when you transport it by ship its called a "car-go"?
Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address, you turn down the radio?
Why are they called apart-ments when they are stuck together?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of the same substance as the indestructible black box?
Why isn't phonetics spelled the way it sounds?
AND THINK ABOUT THESE:
Do you need a silencer to shoot a mime?
How does the guy that drives the snowplow get to work?
What would Geronimo shout if he jumped out of a plane?

DAFFY DEFINITIONS: (Generated by a medical student)
Artery: Study of paintings
Bacteria: Rear entrance to a Cafeteria
Barium: What doctors do when their patients die
Cauterize: Make visual contact with a female
Dilate: To live a long life
Genetal: Not Jewish
Kidney: Part of a child's leg
Mammogram: Telegram sent to Yo Mamma
Morbid: Higher offer
Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates
Pap Smear: Fatherhood test
Recovery room: An upholstery shot
Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport
Tumor: Comes after one more
Urine: Opposite of "You're Out"
Varicose: Nearby
Vein: Conceited

NEVER LIE!
Husband to wife, walking in the door very early one morning: "Honey, I know you won't believe this but when I go home last night I noticed all the lights were out, and so, not wanting to disturb you, I slept out in the hammock in the back yard."
Wife: "You're right I don't believe you. I took down that hammock and stored it away last fall!"

Don Shula tells the story of when he took his wife and five children away to a remote place to "get away from it all." He loves the fans, but they can be tiresome at times. While away, they decided to take in a movie at the only movie house in the nearby small town. When they entered the theater they noticed that all the lights were on. A small group sat down front, so Don and his family quietly slipped into the back row. Someone in the front turned around, said something to the rest of the group, and they all stood up and applauded. Don turned to his wife. "Boy, you just can't get away from them. I guess I'd better go say hello." "You must be real football fans to recognize me way in back," he said to the group after walking down front. "Recognize you? We don't know you from Adam. But the theater manager told us he wouldn't show the movie unless seven more people showed up and then you walked in!"

I went into a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
- Steven Wright

It all depends on your PERSPECTIVE:
Top 5 Reasons Why Computers Must Be Female:
5. No one but their creator understands their logic.
4. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message "bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half you paycheck on accessories for it.
Top 5 Reasons Why Computers Must Be Male:
5. They've heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.
4. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've established a network connection.
3. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do more than they have to and they won't think of it on their own.
2. They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they've already invested so much in their machine that they're compelled to remain with an under powered system.
1. They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you have their attention.

He has occasional flashes of silence that make his conversation perfectly delightful.
- not sure where this quote came from, sounds like something from a Jane Austin novel

HOW TO ANNOY OTHER PEOPLE
1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
3. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
4. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
5. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
6. Honk and wave to strangers.
7. Walk into a restaurant, eat their complimentary mints by the cash register, then walk out.
8. TYPE ONLY IN UPPER CASE.
9. type only in lowercase.
10. dont use any punctuation either
11. Buy large quantities of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
12. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" ("What") "Never mind, it's gone now."
13. Ask people what gender they are.
14. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
15. Sing along at the opera.
16. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
17. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
18. In the memo field of your checks, write "for sensual massage."
19. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.
20. Publically investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

Understand it? Why this is so simple a 4 year old child could understand it. Quick, someone run out and get me a 4 year old child.
- Groucho Marx

He who laughs, lasts.

As hard to get rid of as a BBQ stain on a new suit.

We all operate in two contrasting modes, which might be called open and closed. The open mode is more relaxed, more receptive, more exploratory, more democratic, more playful and more humorous. The closed mode is the tighter, more rigid, more hierarchical, more tunnel-visioned. Most people, unfortunately spend most of their time in the closed mode. Not that the closed mode cannot be helpful. If you are leaping a ravine, the moment of takeoff is a bad time for considering alternative strategies. When you charge the enemy machine-gun post, don't waste energy trying to see the funny side of it. Do it in the "closed" mode. But the moment the action is over, try to return to the "open" mode - to open your mind again to all the feedback from our action that enables us to tell whether the action has been successful, or whether further action is need to improve on what we have done. In other words, we must return to the open mode, because in that mode we are the most aware, most receptive, most creative, and therefore at our most intelligent.
- John Cleese

You don't have to worry about being bit if the dog doesn't have any teeth.

There is a big difference between having a sense of humor and being a wise-cracking "smart ass" to wit:

HUMOR:	WIT:
creates relaxation	creates tension
produces togetherness and playfulness	division and distance
generates charm, benevolence and magnanimity	defiance, malevolence and contempt
disarms the mind	alerts it
seeks intimacy	longs for indiscretion
brings about humility	insolence
gives rise to tolerance	to impatience and impertinence
leads to kindness	often offends

Looks like the upper hand is on the other foot.
- Leslie Nielsen ("Hotshots! Part Deaux")

To do is to be.
- Nietzsche
To be is to do.
- Sartre
Do be do be do.
- Sinatra

"Who am I and why am I here?" - Said (seriously) by Admiral Stockdale, Ross Perot's running-mate for Vice President at a press conference

PRIORITIES: Overhead on a New York subway: "Be reasonable, Phyllis. I made this date with Rita months before we got married!"

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.

A sense of humor can help you to:
- overlook the unattractive tolerate the unpleasant
- cope with the unexpected
- smile through the unbearable

Dear Abby: My husband and I are slowly drifting apart. What can I do to speed up the process?

Have I reached the person to whom I am speaking?
- Lily Tomlin

I feel so bad since you've gone. It's almost like having you here.

The other day I got out my can-opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, "What am I doing?!"
- Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts, Saturday Night Live

As unhappy as a termite in a steel mill.

TOO MANY: 4 men were traveling together on a train in Europe. One was from Russia, one from Cuba and two were from America. Three of them were businessmen and one of the remaining Americans was a lawyer. They got to talking. The Russian pulled out a bottle of vodka - they all took a drink, then the Russian threw rest of bottle out the window. When the American businessman asked why, the Russian replied "Oh, we have so much vodka in Russia - we'll never drink it all!" Then the Cuban took out a tin of Havana cigars - he gave everybody one, then he threw the rest out the window. When asked why, he replied "Oh, we have so much tobacco in Cuba, we'll never smoke it all!" Well, the American businessman, not to be outdone, thought for a moment, and then ended up pushing the American lawyer out the window!

A man at a pay booth in a restaurant was overheard by the restaurant manager making a call. "Hello, Mr. Smith?" he was heard to say. "I understand you have been looking for an assistant." He paused to listen to the response. "Oh, you hired one two months ago and are pleased with your choice? Well, thank you anyway. I hope you continue to be satisfied with your decision." When he hung up the phone, the restaurant manager commented, "I happened to overhear your conversation. I'm sorry you didn't get a shot at that job." "Oh, that's all right," the man replied, "That was my boss. I was hired as his assistant three months ago and I was just phoning to find out how I'm doing!"

The following story is a good one for practicing "VISIONING" and "EMPATHY": Do you have days when everything seems to go wrong? Well, when you read what happened some years ago to a man in Barbados perhaps your problems will not seems so bad at all. His letter to his employers explained what happened when he went to repair a building damaged by a hurricane: "I rigged up a beam with a pulley at the top of the building and hoisted up a couple of barrels full of bricks. When I had fixed the building, there was a lot of bricks left over. I hoisted the barrel back up again and secured the line at the bottom, and then went up and filled the barrel with extra bricks. Then I went to the bottom and cast off the line. Unfortunately, the barrel of bricks was heavier than I was and before I knew what was happening the barrel started down, jerking me off the ground. I decided to hang on and halfway up I met the barrel coming down and received a severe blow on the shoulder. I then continued to the top, banging my head against the beam and getting my finger jammed in the pulley. When the barrel hit the ground it burst its bottom; allowing all the bricks to spill out. I was now heavier than the barrel and so started down again at high speed. Halfway down, I met the barrel coming up and received severe injuries to my shins. When I hit the ground I landed on the bricks, getting several painful cuts from the sharp edges. At this point I must have lost my presence of mind, because I let go the line. The barrel then came down giving me another heavy blow on the head and putting me in the hospital. I respectfully request sick leave."